


Make Believe, It's Hyper Real

by theheadlessqueen



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Coming Out, Dysphoria, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, POV Bucky Barnes, Protective Natasha, Self-Acceptance, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, accidental misgendering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-07-01
Packaged: 2018-02-06 23:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1876152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theheadlessqueen/pseuds/theheadlessqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Thoughts of “him” and “his” surround you and you know it just doesn’t fit. It’s like a stab to your heart over and over. But whatever, it’s fine. You live your life and try to ignore it. It’s fine, it’s whatever.</p>
<p>Except it’s not."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make Believe, It's Hyper Real

**Author's Note:**

> Off of the idea, "Would anyone want me to write a fanfic of transwoman Bucky coming out to her girlfriend Natasha and then being really sweet and also having hot dom/sub sex or is that just me? "  
> I, myself am nonbinary. These events and feelings that take place are based on true events.  
> If I offend anyone, I surely do not mean to. Please tell me if I do. If you want any more, come talk to me! My url on tumblr is theheadlessqueen.  
> I own nothing from Marvel, this was just me expressing myself. :)

“And nothing’s wrong but nothing’s true  
I live in a hologram with you”

 

Living with teammates and with people who actually cared about you was nice. Natasha and Bucky can both testify to that. They understand what it’s like to be made, and remade. Of course living had different definitions to different people.

You punch the wall and you curse yourself for wanting to die for after everything everyone has done for you. Ungrateful much? You have a wonderful girlfriend, a great life and you couldn't ask for anything more.

Natasha always holds you closer if you wake up from a nightmare. She always gets you a tall glass of water. She never underestimates you, but she also always checks in to make sure you’re okay. You’re grateful for everything she does for you. You never have the words though.

But you have to get out of your head, but it’s impossible. Thoughts of “him” and “his” surround you and you know it just doesn't fit. It’s like a stab to your heart over and over. But whatever, it’s fine. You live your life and try to ignore it. It’s fine, it’s whatever.

Except it’s not.

Lying on the couch, just staring at the ceiling, wishing you could disappear and get out of this body. “James?” Natasha asks warmly. Despite her soft tone, the name doesn't fit just like your shirts don’t, and your pants don’t, and everything else.

“Don’t call me that.” You say with all the strength you can muster. It’s not a lot. She sits on the edge of the couch, stroking your hair. You like that, it reminds you that someone is there. You’re not alone. She cocks her head in confusion, because for the last 6 months it hasn't been a problem. At least, according to the rest of the world. “I don’t feel like James today.”

She thinks you mean something like PSTD or something. Kind of, but not really. It’s different from that. What you feel, you've been experiencing all your life. Sometimes it’s worse than other’s but right not it’s so bad.

“I don’t have the words for it, but I’ve never really been a James, and I don’t think I could ever be.” You turn away from her because you know you could never be like her and it hurts you so much.

Silence isn’t really a problem between them, except when it lasts more than three days. Bucky is cordial and polite but not talking to anyone. Bucky never leaves their shared apartment anymore, and Natasha starts getting worried.

She goes to visit Steve for a few questions. “He’s never been this bad. I don’t know what’s happening.” She’s frustrated because she doesn’t know if she did something or if it’s just memories coming back or what. “Has anything happened like this before? He isn’t talking at all and refuses to take a shower or go look in a mirror.” Steve just sighs, because he knows. “Bucky has always had issues. Always keeps to himself, but now that we have more labels, Bucky probably isn’t a ‘he’, if you catch my drift.” Natasha raises an eyebrow, “Bucky’s a woman?” Steve nods thoughtfully. “Thank you, Steve.” Finding that Bucky is a trans woman is not a problem at all. If anything, Natasha sighs in relief because she knows she can help her now.

Sitting in bed, reading a book you hear Nat come through the door. “Bucky?” She calls. You’re surprised because she usually calls you ‘James’. You’ve allowed only her to call you that for the longest time, because it was just between you two. Now it’s only a reminder that you are a ‘James’ and not something else. “Yeah? In the bedroom.” She comes in and smiles at you. Taking a seat next to you, she asks, “How is my sweet girl?”

You almost panic. Your eyes widen a little when she says this because you think it’s a joke, when you realize it’s not you start to get choked up a little. “I’m fine”, a small voice comes out of you. You get up and you hug her so tightly, but not hard enough to crush you. The heavy feeling on your lungs lightens a little and the world isn’t as hard anymore. “So you know. You’ve talked to Steve?” “Yes. And I understand. I’ll always be here for you.” She means it and you feel so grateful, thank god she understands. “Thank you, I love you.” “I love you, too.”

Not a Hallmark moment, but close enough. She strokes your hair again, and you smile at the closeness between you two. You could melt in her arms, finally safe and free, at least with her.

You learn what you’ve felt is called gender dysphoria. It seems just about right. Everyone knows now and it’s not a big deal, it really isn’t. People understand and nobody questions you or the choices you make, especially when you decide to take hormones and not undergo any surgery. It’s your business, not theirs. Your body, not theirs.

You couldn’t even think, let alone look at your body or other people look at it for a while. Now you’re starting to be okay again. You and Nat are good, you know you’re safe with her. You trust her, and that says a lot. She loves and respects you. 

For once, you feel at home and you aren't afraid of anything anymore. You know the real world is out that, but that doesn’t matter right now. The only thing that matters is you in her arms. That’s all that matters.


End file.
